In a surprising twist of optimism, Five Below (FIVE $127.37, -0.57%) is basking in the glow of a solid earnings report and... a partnership with Uber Eats. Yes, the place where you buy neon slime, Bluetooth speakers shaped like llamas, and 4,000 types of candy is now available for delivery via an app originally designed to bring you pad thai at 11pm.

Investors loved it. Shares popped 10% Thursday morning after the company reported a nearly 20% revenue increase to $970.5 million and a 7.1% rise in same-store sales—comfortably above estimates. Management also hiked Q2 guidance to between $975 million and $995 million, and suddenly Wall Street seems to think the discount chain has leveled up into some kind of inflation-proof tech hybrid.

Uber (UBER $85.69, +1.09%) got a modest lift too, apparently rewarded for expanding into the high-stakes world of Squishmallow logistics.

But let’s not forget: just a couple months ago, Five Below was down nearly 50% on the year, spooked by its deep exposure to Chinese manufacturing and the tariff boogeyman. Now that tariffs have eased a bit and earnings didn’t implode, everyone’s acting like it’s 2019 again and $5 novelty socks are a macro hedge.

Elon Musk Just Lit $33.9 Billion on Fire—And for What, Exactly?

Tesla CEO Elon Musk, who still clings to the title of “world’s richest man,” managed to vaporize $33.9 billion in a single day this week. Why? Because he decided it was a good idea to pick a fight with the President of the United States—publicly, chaotically, and on Twitter, of course.

It started with a rant about national debt and policy priorities. Then it spiraled into some deeply bizarre insinuations that—let’s be clear—should never be tweeted by anyone, let alone someone steering multiple billion-dollar companies.

The market responded with the appropriate level of horror. Tesla shares plunged, notching their 11th-worst day ever. Around $20 billion of Musk’s personal loss came from that drop alone.

Now, $33.9 billion is a cartoonishly huge number. If you can wrap your head around it, please send us an invite to your next helicopter champagne tasting. For everyone else, here’s what Musk could have done instead of rage-posting himself into a financial bonfire:

• Bought the Dallas Cowboys, Golden State Warriors, Los Angeles Rams, and New York Yankees—combined.
• Randomly selected a human on Earth and made them the 55th richest person alive overnight.
• Scooped up nearly half a million Cybertrucks (delivery dates TBD, but hey, at least it’d help Tesla’s earnings guidance).
• Acquired the UFC (TKO’s market cap is around $33.4 billion), securing not just a cage match with Mark Zuckerberg, but probably home-court advantage too.
• Almost matched every single dollar of net income Tesla has ever reported as a public company ($35 billion total).

To be fair, Musk isn’t the first billionaire to lose a fortune in spectacular fashion. Jeff Bezos’ $38 billion divorce settlement still holds the crown. But while Bezos' hit came from a lawyer’s office, Musk's came from his own thumbs.

Call it free speech. Call it performance art. Just don’t call it smart investing.

Wall Street Cheers Mediocrity as May Jobs Report Whispers “Meh”

The May jobs report came in just fine—not great, not terrible. U.S. nonfarm payrolls rose by 139,000, beating a modest 126,000 estimate. The unemployment rate stayed put at 4.2%, exactly where everyone expected it. So naturally, the market responded by throwing a full-blown celebration.

The S&P 500 (SPY $599.73 +1.01%) and Nasdaq 100 (QQQ $530.75 +0.96%) shot to session highs. Even the small caps joined the party, with the Russell 2000 (IWM $212.09 +1.61%) surging more than 1%.

But peel back the curtain and the applause starts to look a little... unearned.

For one, the details weren’t exactly thrilling. Revisions to prior months were harsh: turns out, 95,000 jobs we thought existed in March and April simply didn’t. Oops. And continuing jobless claims—often a canary in the coal mine—have been quietly trending up, suggesting all might not be as “resilient” as the headlines imply.

No matter. Investors seem perfectly happy squinting at a lukewarm report and declaring it proof that everything’s just fine. The logic? Not too hot, not too cold—so maybe the Fed will still cut rates later this year.

In response, the market dialed back expectations for Fed rate cuts (just a bit), but overall, the narrative of "muddling through" continues to fuel risk appetite. Apparently, mediocrity is the new miracle.

Sure, it's all working for now. But if you’re wondering whether rallying on a jobs report that’s only slightly better than “blah” is the best long-term strategy… well, you’re asking smarter questions than the market seems to be.

Lululemon Faceplants After Whispering Bad News in a Room Full of Hype

Turns out, you can’t yoga-pose your way out of disappointing earnings. Lululemon (LULU $266.10, -19.80%) just dropped more than 21% after hours—proof that even premium leggings can’t support a falling profit forecast.

Wall Street, ever the eager overachiever, expected $2.57 billion in Q2 revenue and $3.29 in EPS. Lululemon showed up with numbers more in the “close enough?” category: $2.54 to $2.56 billion in sales and EPS of $2.85 to $2.90. The market’s response? Immediate and merciless.

And the outlook only got worse from there. Full-year earnings guidance got sliced to a range of $14.58 to $14.78 per share, down from an already conservative $14.95–$15.15. That's not a wobble—it’s a full downward dog into a sinkhole.

CEO Calvin McDonald blamed the usual vague villain: the “dynamic macroenvironment.” Translation: tariffs, global messiness, and probably too many people rethinking $118 yoga pants during a Target era of belt-tightening.

Gap (GAP $21.97, +1.69%), which owns competitor Athleta, warned last week of a potential $150 million tariff hit. But Gap's stock actually went up. Why? Probably because expectations were already buried somewhere under a clearance rack.

Lulu, on the other hand, had been priced like it was bulletproof. Spoiler: it’s not.

When a high-growth darling misses by a few inches, and the market reacts like it fell off a treadmill, it says less about the company—and more about how irrationally high the bar was set to begin with.

So if you’re wondering how nearly $20 billion in market cap vanished in one yoga breath: blame hype, fragile confidence, and a Wall Street that doesn’t do “almost.”

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² December 23, 2025 will be the last day to invest and be considered a shareholder in 2025. Any investments made after this date will only be considered shareholders starting in 2025.

³ Please read the offering circular and related risk at invest.modemobile.com. This is a paid advertisement for Mode Mobile’s Regulation A+ Offering.

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